I am a weak girl

I can't believe my tears came out in front of oppa today. (this is probably my third time doing that.... first time: more than a month ago in surrey campus; second time: two days ago in his room; third time: today in burnaby campus)
It happened when he said he doesn't want to see me anymore before I get married.

Of course I know what he is thinking, but I still don't want to accept it. I don't want to understand it, as it really hurts me every time I think about it.

It's not like I am not trying to understand him. I had asked people; I had read things online. The thing is...I know that if I don't see him now, I might not see him again. Even if I get to see him again a few years from now, things will be so different. I have my own family; he has his own. We can't be as close anymore... I don't know when I can see him again, ...this is the only time when I get to joke around him, fooling around with him like real brother and sister.

I imagine that...when he really finally comes to see me when I get married, he will not treat me the same way. I sometimes wonder if we will treat each other like strangers. Maybe I will not treat him this way, but I don't know how oppa thinks of me in the future.

I cannot believe and accept the fact that I don't have a lot of chances to see him again. I might had hurt him a lot, but honestly, I rather have myself hurt than seeing him getting hurt.

I am a bad girl...I had hurt oppa so many times. I really don't want to do it...but I don't know why I do this again and again...which makes my relationship with oppa worse and worse. I wish oppa will really understand this. I wish I can change this to make our lives go a bit easier, but I know he can't wait for me. Changes take time...

Maybe I should stop talking about this...writing about this makes my tears come out again.

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Honestly, I changed a lot since four years ago. Four years ago, I was always cheerful, happy. I had worried about my future, but I always got things under my control.

Now...relationship seems to be the biggest challenge of my life. I really have problems dealing with people, especially men. I don't seem to understand what they want, and what they think. There are times when I say that really hurt them, and I know that. I should really watch what I say...but if I don't say it, sometimes I feel like I will explode. I think I try to control myself too much that there is no time for me to "release" myself.

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There is another thing I am worrying about...but I guess I will stop worrying and know the result in a few weeks...
And if you are wondering what I am talking about right now, don't ask me. I don't want to talk about what I am worrying right now. The person related to this topic had already been notified, and so I don't see the point why more people want to know about this...


P.S. Sorry for my bad English grammar and structure. I don't really want to proofread this before I publish this...