I really wish

I am still wishing that duckie and I can still be together without any problems. Why can't two lovers can't get together like other couples?

this is not fair....
not at all...

I didn't do anything.

I just want to love a person. Is that something people shouldn't do?

Maybe I am not good enough, or maybe people shouldn't even love each other...

Happy new year!

Happy new year to myself...weee...happy new year to myself..weeee!

nice that i am basically alone today...but anyway, wee...!

I talked to Peter, and he almost made me burst out laughing like crazy....weird him..haha

soo want to talk to duckie, but he wasn't here....oh well...

*waiting for dinner*

want to watch some tv......

I love duckie

I just sent out approximately 25 greetings to my Chinese friends, and people who care about the Chinese culture. It wasn't that fun copying e-mail addresses from my MSN contact list, as I had to copy back and forth from my internet browser and my MSN window.

I was happy to get some replies from my friends though. Maybe it's not something really interesting, but at least I can show them that I care about them.

Happy Chinese new year!

Anyway, it sounds like duckie and I are back to our regular relationship. We still don't know how to solve the problem yet, but I guess we will work on it.

I really love him, and I will love him more with my heart. And, of course, I will value him more.

I don't know

I don't know if I can continue to love duckie anymore. To me, duckie is really important, and I really hope I can be with him, but then, he doesn't even want to do a thing to solve a problem... What can I do?

I said I would wait for him, but how long will he do before he recovers again? Nobody knows....maybe, by the time he is recovered, my depression cannot be recovered. I don't want to continue with this anymore. If there is no way this can be solved, why do I have to continue with this hopeless relationship?

I really love duckie. I really love him.
I don't know what I should do. I really hope I can find out the answer soon.

These 3 weeks are killing me.

Happy birthday!

First of all, I wish my dad a happy birthday. I know today is a work today, but I hope he will enjoy the time.

Anyway, I just found out that my dad doesn't have to work tomorrow! I wish I can go with my parents. hahaa....my dad said he will bring my mom to go out for shopping. wee....honey moon for them =P

Well, I didn't write anything yesterday. I wasn't in a mood to write a thing, and I was really busy anyway.

Today, however, I plan to write something. Well, it's really really boring things, but I want to keep myself alive by communicating with at least something.

Well, today, I was really really sleepy, especially in the ECON tutorial. I still couldn't really understand what she was explaining, but oh well..at least I got something from her writings. hahaa..

After tutorial, I went to the library to use the computer. I was wanting to finish some parts of the CMPT assignment, so I wrote something, and sent it to my group partner. After that, I was pretty much checking e-mails, talking in MSN, etc.

ECON lecture....made me so sleepy. It's not because of the content, but of the length of the lecture, and after that, I had to attend another tutorial, which made me soo tired. Luckily, I got myself awake from a walk before I went home.

+++++

Emotionally, I still feel really bad...but physically, I feel a lot better. Luckily, I always recover fast. If only I exercise a bit more, maybe my body can be a lot better. hahaa

These days, I feel really upset. The only thing that made me a bit happier is by talking to people in MSN (usually my group partner), and by working on my work and forget about how I feel. I will still support duckie...and I really hope he can recover soon.

What can I do?

Duckie told me that if I decide to leave him, he will stay strong, and live on, and hopefully, he will do something great to the world.
Honestly, I am happy for him, that he can take care of himself, and at least, I know that he will not hurt himself anymore.
However, that also tells me that he doesn't value me that much anymore.

I really love him. I don't know what to do. Is that the end of our relationship, after 1.3 years?

I don't want to lose him. I really wish he can value me a lot more.

What can I do?

I guess I will do that too. I have to keep working, and I know that, if I leave him, I will be happy. Perhaps, someone else will value me more. ^^

I don't know if he loves me anymore

Since he came back for me, I don't feel that he loves me anymore. Maybe it's the words that he said when we were having a big problem. He kept telling me that he doesn't know if he will love me anymore. He didn't want to hug me, kiss me, or say "i love you forever" to me. At that time, I felt that I had lost a boyfriend already.

Now...he is back, but still, he had never hugged me, or kissed me, or say "I love you forever" in front of me.

Does he love me?
I feel so sad everyday, while wishing that he will love me more.

I tried to hug him today, and kiss his cheek, but he never responded to me. I felt so painful, then I started to cry behind him. I just want to know that he really loves me; why is this that hard?

I wonder....

I love this duckie.

I love this duckie.
I love this loggy duckie.
I love this boring loggy duckie.
I love this black boring loggy duckie.
I love this unreliable black boring loggy duckie.
I love this careless unreliable black boring loggy duckie.
I love this sad careless unreliable black boring loggy duckie.

I always wonder why he likes me.
I am not pretty; I am not cute; I am not nice. Yet, he likes me, for no reason.
Maybe everything I see right now is a lie.

I know that...

I know that I shouldn't get mad at duckie. I know that I shouldn't get sad because of him. Yet, I don't seem to have enough self control over myself. My mood swing is just too hard to control. I can be happy right now, and sad one minute later. The only thing I can do is to keep myself working and typing. At the very least, I seem to know what I am doing when I am typing to a blog.

When nobody is here, I will type myself a note. I have to tell myself to be brave, to be strong, and that I can overcome any problem.

I know I love duckie.
I wish I can be with him.

Hmm.....I wonder what I want to get in the future. hahahaa....
Anyway, I will go do something else now....

My kitchen stove is CLEAN!

OMG! Look at our stove! It's really really clean right now. haahaha...my mom was cleaning up for new year, so that's great! My mom is so traditional. She wants everything to be perfect for new year. With a brand new nice start, everything will be better in a new year.

Tomorrow, I have to stay in school for quite a long time. I have a lecture, then a 3-hour lecture. haahaha...I finish the assignment in one day (a few hours...dang..that took me long, when I forgot all about Excel). Anyway, I feel so happy, in a way.

Wait...I have to read. hahahaa...anyway, I will read. ^^

Dad finally fixed the toilet

My dad finally fixed the toilet. Last night, the handle was broken, because the little stick that was connected to the pumper was suddenly separated into 2 pieces. It was really funny. Anyway, it's fixed now. We have a good good toilet again. *hug toilet* *joking*

Anyway, just come back after work. I feel a bit lonely, so I write something in here again.

I guess...from now on, that if I feel lonely, and don't want to bother talking to anyone, I can talk here. haaha....I even disabled the comment part, so it's just for me. haahhaa....wooo!

Anyway, my head hurts a lot. Hopefully, I will be recovered soon. Of course, hopefully, I will be happy happy again.

Come back from voting

Just come back from voting in Hamilton Elementary School. It was a really cold day. I wore my thick coat, and walked with my mom to my old elementary school. When I got there, the school kids were attending their classes, so the school was basically really quiet.

I got to the gym, gave my election card to the main table, and got assigned to the nearby desk to get my little voting sheet. It was pretty simple: just check the one I want to vote, fold my little paper, and give it back to the person who gave me the voting sheet. After 5 minutes or so, we left the school. On the way home, my mom was talking to me about me and duckie's relationship. She said, "Even if your boyfriend loves you all the way, it's really hard to communicate with his family if his family doesn't like you. You will have a hard time in your life, and there is a chance that he will eventually get persuaded that I am not that good afterall. You have to be really becareful in making this decision of rather you want to be with him or not. Do you know?"

I didn't say anything. In my head, I just know I really really love him. I don't want to leave him, but I really don't know how my life will be like if I can really be with him, even if his parents will never like me. It might be ok if we live somewhere else away from his parents, but in life, we know that we will have a lot of chances to each duckie's parents, and that might give me a hard time facing them. I really don't know. I know I love him forever, but will duckie's parents accept me? I really don't know. I only hope this problem will be solved soon, so I don't have that much worries within me anymore.

I am feeling better today, but I have to work later. I sure hope I have more time, so I can catch up with my readings. I want to read right now, but I really want to say something before I do anything. Too bad I have no one to talk to, especially on this, so I guess I will just blog here. I wanted to blog this in my spymac blog, but I guess this is a bit too private. haahah....oh well...I think this blog is perfect for my private opinions. ^^

LING100

I just got off from LING100, and I almost fell asleep. The prof talked how the turing machine works as our brain processing model. Well, people were quite confused, and so the prof explained it two times, in addition the clear descriptions in the textbook. Personally, all I think about the turing machine is just a program, with a set of instructions, like scan the words, copy the wanted word, and print the desired word. Well, it doesn't look that hard to me, but who knows. Maybe there is something inside within the text that I didn't realize. Oh well...

Furthermore, we talked about this final state automata. Well, all I think is something I had learned in MACM101, with those finite state machine stuff. It also reminded me of CMPT150. Anyway, overall, the lecture was quite enjoyable.

I don't know how long will I stay in here. Maybe I will just go after I read this textbook, so I can go voting with my mom. My dad voted this morning, and I guess I will go right after I come back home. Why do I need to stay in school for that long? lol...if all I will do is just sitting here pointlessly for someone who will never come to me.

Anyway, I really don't mind or mad, but just a bit disappointed.

Oh well...everyone has his/her own life.

He is no exception.

I love blogging

I finally realize, that I can never write too much.
People think..."Why do you write in so many blogs? spymac, xanga, msn spaces...etc... why can't you concentrate on one single blog? and keep writing on that one?"
My answer is, that I really love trying out different services. I sometimes still wonder if I should change this use this one. Not only is this blog more easy to customize, everything looks pretty good to me.
The only thing is, that nobody will ever come here. Nobody will ever comment me here. So...I guess, I will just write something which I will only tell myself. probably...secrets, or whatever it is.

Anyway, last week, I delete my love blog in MSN Space. I don't feel too sad about it. Maybe it's because I don't really know what to write there anymore. So, I guess, I will write it in here instead. ^^

Anyway, I don't feel happy these days. My boyfriend is breaking up with me, and I don't know how to fix it. Everything begins with duckie's mom. She thinks her son deserves a better girlfriend, or maybe it's because she wants her son to concentrate more. I don't know. Everything I know comes from duckie's mouth, and I don't know what I should believe in anymore.

My depression bothered me a lot for so long already. It got better in the last 2 weeks, but it got worsen when duckie and I started to have a problem with our relationship. Oh well, time will heal us. I know we can find out a solution someday.

Almost forgot

i almost forgot i have this blog...hahhaa
weird me.