This is my 400th post in this blog in Blogger!
Isn't it time to celebrate? I created this blog in November 2005, but I started writing in this blog in January 2006. It had been over 2 years already. My life had changed a lot! I remember....when I first wrote in this blog, it was mainly about my relationship with Kevin (I called him Duckie). This blog's name was "Duckie Love", but I changed the name to "Kitty Life" around two years ago, and I changed it again to "I Love My Life" around a year ago.
My focus in life had changed. I was so happy with my love life a long time ago, but my relationship disappointed me again and again. If you take your time to read my old blog entries, you will probably learn how I struggle with my relationship with Kevin. He was my love, my friend, my listener. He was always so patient with me. However, I also learned that we can never be happy together. Not only is that a problem between the two of us, it is also a problem between two families. Anyway, and so....since it made me so upset, I didn't really talk about this problem anymore. Instead of writing about my love, I wrote about what I did at school and work. I also wrote about how I worked hard at school so I could get into the Faculty of Business. In addition, I also wrote about my co-op life.
Recently, I also wrote about Chinese, Korean, Japanese, and English songs I love to listen to. I want to share my joy to readers, instead of just bringing sorrow to people. I love sharing thoughts, or maybe writing random things.
And I got to meet Oppa again last semester. I wrote about him...as he entered my life when I started sharing my sorrows with him in May 2008. I know him for more than two years, but I didn't really talk to him much after a course that I took with him ended. I saw him occasionally at school, such as on a web application fair session I had for CMPT 470 with Greg Baker. I talked to him for a while in the information fair, but that was about it. I know more about him in the conversation with Kevin, knowing Kevin always get annoyed by Oppa. Anyway, in May 2008, I started to talk to Oppa a lot more. He became my .... I don't know who he is ... but anyway, he became someone I really care about, and someone close to me (brother? friend?).
Life changed sooo much... now Oppa has gone back to Korea. I can't really write anything about him anymore. Sometimes I am not too sure what he is doing, but I do think about him. All I know is that he is trying hard in his job hunting, and I will be doing the same thing for the next couple of months. I wish I can see him again, but I don't know if that will ever happen.
Until someone comes to my life, I guess my blog will be related to my school life, and job hunting. haha
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I guess my stories are starting to bore you guys....I will share a song with you.
Kurumi - Mr.Children
Mr.Children - くるみ
作詩：Kazutoshi Sakurai 作曲：Kazutoshi Sakurai
ねぇ くるみ
この街の景色は君の目にどう映るの?
今の僕はどう見えるの?
ねぇ くるみ
誰かの優しさも皮肉に聞こえてしまうんだ
そんな時はどうしたらいい?
良かった事だけ思い出して
やけに年老いた気持ちになる
とはいえ暮らしの中で
今 動き出そうとしている
歯車のひとつにならなくてはなぁ
希望の数だけ失望は増える
それでも明日に胸は震える
「どんな事が起こるんだろう?」
想像してみるんだよ
ねぇ くるみ
時間が何もかも洗い連れ去ってくれれば
生きる事は実に容易い
ねぇ くるみ
あれからは一度も涙は流してないよ
でも 本気で笑う事も少ない
どこかで掛け違えてきて
気が付けば一つ余ったボタン
同じようにして誰かが 持て余したボタンホールに
出会う事で意味が出来たならいい
出会いの数だけ別れは増える
それでも希望に胸は震える
十字路に出くわすたび
迷いもするだろうけど
今以上をいつも欲しがるくせに
変わらない愛を求め歌う
そうして歯車は回る
この必要以上の負担に
ギシギシ鈍い音をたてながら
希望の数だけ失望は増える
それでも明日に胸は震える
「どんな事が起こるんだろう?」
想像してみよう
出会いの数だけ別れは増える
それでも希望に胸は震える
引き返しちゃいけないよね
進もう 君のいない道の上へ
Translation:
tell me, Kurumi
What do you see looking at this city
How do I look to you now?
tell me, Kurumi
When I start to hear the sarcasm in someone's kindness
What am I to do?
Remembering only the good times
though it makes me feel like I've aged a sum
But you gotta be one of the gears
trying to get turning
You can have only as much despair as you have hope.
but still, my heart trembles at the thought of the future
'what's going to happen?'
I try to imagine.
tell me, Kurumi
If time will eventually wash it all away
then life must be a simple affair.
tell me, Kurumi
since then I haven't cried once
but, neither have I had many good laughs
Somewhere I did up the buttons wrong,
by the time I notice, there's one button leftover
and similarly one button hole, in need of a button
If you find meaning in finding someone then fine
you can have only as many partings
as you do encounters
still my heart trembles at the thought of hope.
everytime I encounter a crossroads
I'll fret over which way to go but...
Eventhough I want more than I have now
I sing for an unchanging love
that's what makes the gears turn
with the burden of more than I need,
making a dull grinding sound
you can have only as much despair as you do hope
and still my heart trembles
at the thought of the future
"what's going to happen?"
let's imagine
you can have only as many partings
as you do encounters
and still my heart trembles at the thought of hope
guess there's no turning back,
so I'll go on, to a road without you.
Credit: http://www.jpopasia.com/lyrics/5844/mrchildren/kurumi.html
August 31, 2008
August 30, 2008
BOBJ visit
As mentioned in the previous blog entry, I had gone to visit the old co-workers in Business Objects. It was pretty fun, but too bad I got to go home...so I couldn't stay for too long.
I wonder when I will see everyone again...
People come and go in my life.... One day, I will see them again. ;)
I wonder when I will see everyone again...
People come and go in my life.... One day, I will see them again. ;)
August 29, 2008
Orientation
Just worked two days for SFU orientation and Kumon.
That's why I was a bit too busy to blog here....
I don't have a lot of nice photos to share, but if you want to see the ones I took, please visit my Facebook profile.
I finished watching 最美麗的第七天 two days ago. I don't know if I have more time to watch more episodes...but I will see.
I will be going to Business Objects to visit my old friends, so I will blog more later. ;)
Oh yeah...a good music video to show you...ending theme song for 最美麗的第七天.
抱著空氣
By Kevin Cheng & Niki Chow
Introduction video to the episode..
That's why I was a bit too busy to blog here....
I don't have a lot of nice photos to share, but if you want to see the ones I took, please visit my Facebook profile.
I finished watching 最美麗的第七天 two days ago. I don't know if I have more time to watch more episodes...but I will see.
I will be going to Business Objects to visit my old friends, so I will blog more later. ;)
Oh yeah...a good music video to show you...ending theme song for 最美麗的第七天.
抱著空氣
By Kevin Cheng & Niki Chow
Introduction video to the episode..
August 26, 2008
Loneliness...
Working made me feel a bit better...
After all, it made me focus on the students, instead of whatever I am thinking about...
Tomorrow, everyone goes to work again. Why am I always left alone? I guess I will go somewhere alone...
Perhaps it will be better for my body...
I wonder why I get tired so easily, and my backache is killing me...
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Someone might ask me what I am doing these days....I can let you know, I really did nothing. I don't feel like doing anything. If I am feeling well, of course I want to continue learning my Hangul stuff, but I had been feeling really dizzy, so what did I do? I dug up my favorite episodes and started watching them.
Here is what I watched...
Title: 最美麗的第七天
Cantonese/Mandarin Title: Jui Mei Lai Dik Dai Chat Tin / Zui Mei Li De Di Qi Tian
Starring: 鄭嘉穎 (Kevin Cheng)、周麗淇 (Niki Chow)、黃宗澤 (Bosco Wong)、唐詩詠 (Natalie Tong)、李詩韻 (Selena Li)、姚子羚 (Elaine Yiu)、李思欣 (Charmaine Li)、何綺雲 (Yvonne Ho)、
徐淑敏 (Suki Chui)、商天娥 (Kiki Sheung)、劉 丹 (Lau Dan)、于 洋 (Yu Yang)
I think the English name of this is called The Seventh Day, but if you ask me to translate the Chinese title directly, I will call it "The Most Beautiful Seventh Day". Anyway....It's a really good love story.
After all, it made me focus on the students, instead of whatever I am thinking about...
Tomorrow, everyone goes to work again. Why am I always left alone? I guess I will go somewhere alone...
Perhaps it will be better for my body...
I wonder why I get tired so easily, and my backache is killing me...
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Someone might ask me what I am doing these days....I can let you know, I really did nothing. I don't feel like doing anything. If I am feeling well, of course I want to continue learning my Hangul stuff, but I had been feeling really dizzy, so what did I do? I dug up my favorite episodes and started watching them.
Here is what I watched...
Title: 最美麗的第七天Cantonese/Mandarin Title: Jui Mei Lai Dik Dai Chat Tin / Zui Mei Li De Di Qi Tian
Starring: 鄭嘉穎 (Kevin Cheng)、周麗淇 (Niki Chow)、黃宗澤 (Bosco Wong)、唐詩詠 (Natalie Tong)、李詩韻 (Selena Li)、姚子羚 (Elaine Yiu)、李思欣 (Charmaine Li)、何綺雲 (Yvonne Ho)、
徐淑敏 (Suki Chui)、商天娥 (Kiki Sheung)、劉 丹 (Lau Dan)、于 洋 (Yu Yang)
I think the English name of this is called The Seventh Day, but if you ask me to translate the Chinese title directly, I will call it "The Most Beautiful Seventh Day". Anyway....It's a really good love story.
August 25, 2008
I am so scared
I am so afraid that I will lose oppa forever. He never replied my e-mails... I know he doesn't send me e-mails unless he has to, but still....I still wish I can get some sorts of replies from him.
I wonder if he wants to ignore me forever, or is he just too busy with his own life. He promised me that he will take care of me forever.... but why is he ignoring me? =(
I am so scared...I am so worried. I feel so weak right now. My body doesn't feel right at the moment, and he is not here. =( I don't know what I should do...
I wonder if he wants to ignore me forever, or is he just too busy with his own life. He promised me that he will take care of me forever.... but why is he ignoring me? =(
I am so scared...I am so worried. I feel so weak right now. My body doesn't feel right at the moment, and he is not here. =( I don't know what I should do...
August 23, 2008
Where is Oppa?
I am here again....I don't know who I can talk to right now...
Oppa is not here....I miss oppa...or maybe I am the one being stupid. Oppa doesn't want to be with me. Even if he wants to, we can never be together. I wish I can find him; I wish I can be with him...but perhaps this is just my little dream.
Perhaps Oppa is right. I can only see him again on my marriage day... soo sad... =(
I don't want to lose him too....where is he right now? =(
Oh well...maybe keeping me busy next semester is a good thing. At least I don't have to think too much again...
Oppa is not here....I miss oppa...or maybe I am the one being stupid. Oppa doesn't want to be with me. Even if he wants to, we can never be together. I wish I can find him; I wish I can be with him...but perhaps this is just my little dream.
Perhaps Oppa is right. I can only see him again on my marriage day... soo sad... =(
I don't want to lose him too....where is he right now? =(
Oh well...maybe keeping me busy next semester is a good thing. At least I don't have to think too much again...
Kevin and Me
All along, even when I can't be with Kevin, we kept in touch...but I realized that I couldn't even do that. What he did to me in the past gave me too much pain. Every time I think about that, I felt like I want to kill myself.
I phoned him this morning...telling him that I will never see him and talk to him again. I will lose contact with him forever. Of course, I cannot forget him forever, but I am not going to keep thinking about him again.
There were too many problems....and none of them can be solved with just talks...
Lets forget about it... I feel like I should be responsible for what I did in the past few months anyway.
I phoned him this morning...telling him that I will never see him and talk to him again. I will lose contact with him forever. Of course, I cannot forget him forever, but I am not going to keep thinking about him again.
There were too many problems....and none of them can be solved with just talks...
Lets forget about it... I feel like I should be responsible for what I did in the past few months anyway.
Love and relationship
These days, I kept thinking to myself what love really is.
When I tell a person I love him/her, what does it really mean? I can tell you that it's really about giving care and heart to the person...not just about receiving from that particular person.
Of course, it's always nice to have something back in return, but it's hard.
In these few months, I really love this person (I think you can guess who I am talking about), but he doesn't want to do anything. Yes...we are different, but so? Everyone is different anyway. I accept all his faults, but he really minds. Now he is gone...but it doesn't stop me from thinking about him. Even if he doesn't talk to me, I still think about him. I find it hard to describe how I feel...it's a feeling that I never had before. I love him not because of how he treated me in the past, but I do really love him. Not matter how hard I tried to explain, he doesn't understand.
If he is another person I know...isn't that much better? At least he wants me to stay with him...at least he wants me to go with him to Korea. At least he says that he wants to have a family with me... love is so complicated... why can't the person I love appreciate how I feel about him?
I feel so hurt these days. How can I act like I am ok? He totally rejected me... He never tried to be with me. Is it really a cultural difference that caused the problem? I don't believe it. I can learn, but I know he doesn't believe in that anymore. It hurts me so bad... I don't dare to say anything, because I will hurt him again if I say it. I miss him...a lot, and a lot more.
I don't mind if he has no money, doesn't have a job...or whatever bad things he has in the past. I just don't understand why I never got a chance. He told me to "free" myself, and he even said that he will only see me when I get married. Why does he have to be so cruel to me? I am just a person? If I love a person, it's so hard to change. Should I wait for him to change his mind? or will he even change his mind? What if he never talks to me again? Should I even wait for him if I never get to see him or talk to him again?
If he only knows how true I am to him, maybe life will get a bit better. =(
When I tell a person I love him/her, what does it really mean? I can tell you that it's really about giving care and heart to the person...not just about receiving from that particular person.
Of course, it's always nice to have something back in return, but it's hard.
In these few months, I really love this person (I think you can guess who I am talking about), but he doesn't want to do anything. Yes...we are different, but so? Everyone is different anyway. I accept all his faults, but he really minds. Now he is gone...but it doesn't stop me from thinking about him. Even if he doesn't talk to me, I still think about him. I find it hard to describe how I feel...it's a feeling that I never had before. I love him not because of how he treated me in the past, but I do really love him. Not matter how hard I tried to explain, he doesn't understand.
If he is another person I know...isn't that much better? At least he wants me to stay with him...at least he wants me to go with him to Korea. At least he says that he wants to have a family with me... love is so complicated... why can't the person I love appreciate how I feel about him?
I feel so hurt these days. How can I act like I am ok? He totally rejected me... He never tried to be with me. Is it really a cultural difference that caused the problem? I don't believe it. I can learn, but I know he doesn't believe in that anymore. It hurts me so bad... I don't dare to say anything, because I will hurt him again if I say it. I miss him...a lot, and a lot more.
I don't mind if he has no money, doesn't have a job...or whatever bad things he has in the past. I just don't understand why I never got a chance. He told me to "free" myself, and he even said that he will only see me when I get married. Why does he have to be so cruel to me? I am just a person? If I love a person, it's so hard to change. Should I wait for him to change his mind? or will he even change his mind? What if he never talks to me again? Should I even wait for him if I never get to see him or talk to him again?
If he only knows how true I am to him, maybe life will get a bit better. =(
August 22, 2008
Guitar playing
This boy (named Sungha Jung) plays really good! The above videos are just a few ones that his dad recorded for him...
August 21, 2008
Random thoughts..
I went out to Metrotown with Kinki yesterday. The time was great. Not only could I meet my best friend who I started knowing since I was in grade 6, it also stopped me from thinking too much on my problems.
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Err...I forgot what I wanted to say...stupid. I just come back from a phone call...from my brother.
Anyway...I will make up something to say...
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Anyway, let me type something in Chinese using my limited pinyin ability. hahaha
I didn't study my Hangeul stuff for a day....since I went out yesterday and I will go out again today. I guess I will return to my studies tonight...if I have enough energy. ^^
今個星期日，我表哥和他家人會來我家談話和派請貼。。。
表哥結婚啦！ 哈哈哈。。。我想我應該為他開心才是
但是，唔知點解，我一點感覺都沒有。。。
可能是因為我從來都沒有跟他說話，他是我得長輩，所以很難跟他說話。再說，他比我大十一年唷！
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Err...I forgot what I wanted to say...stupid. I just come back from a phone call...from my brother.
Anyway...I will make up something to say...
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Anyway, let me type something in Chinese using my limited pinyin ability. hahaha
I didn't study my Hangeul stuff for a day....since I went out yesterday and I will go out again today. I guess I will return to my studies tonight...if I have enough energy. ^^
今個星期日，我表哥和他家人會來我家談話和派請貼。。。
表哥結婚啦！ 哈哈哈。。。我想我應該為他開心才是
但是，唔知點解，我一點感覺都沒有。。。
可能是因為我從來都沒有跟他說話，他是我得長輩，所以很難跟他說話。再說，他比我大十一年唷！
August 20, 2008
Job hunt
I was very happy to know that Oppa got a chance to get a job...when he told me that he will have a short job interview. I don't know why I feel so happy for him, even though I know that also means he will not have time to talk to me anymore. Anyway, I still feel happy for him. I guess that's part of caring or loving him.
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I wish I can find a job soon. It's so hard to find a job...especially when I am being picky at the moment. It's still early for me to apply. Anyway, I am still going to try. If I can land myself one, then I don't need to do co-op anymore. =)
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I wish I can find a job soon. It's so hard to find a job...especially when I am being picky at the moment. It's still early for me to apply. Anyway, I am still going to try. If I can land myself one, then I don't need to do co-op anymore. =)
August 19, 2008
Missing Oppa
I continue to miss Oppa these days, but I need to focus on my work....
I admire how Oppa can concentrate on his work...maybe he is a man..and I am not. Don't people agree that men focus work more than on relationships than women? haha
I am quite happy that I got to talk to Oppa for a while. Even if it was only around 30 minutes; I was very happy that he was online. =)
Anyway....time for some random photos...
My brother, dad, and me chipped in to get Canon SD1100 IS for my mom for her birthday. The above photo is her camera stacked up with my own cameras...and my two textbooks on top of the camera boxes. =P
My phone placed on top of my bag with my brown dress.
I admire how Oppa can concentrate on his work...maybe he is a man..and I am not. Don't people agree that men focus work more than on relationships than women? haha
I am quite happy that I got to talk to Oppa for a while. Even if it was only around 30 minutes; I was very happy that he was online. =)
Anyway....time for some random photos...
My brother, dad, and me chipped in to get Canon SD1100 IS for my mom for her birthday. The above photo is her camera stacked up with my own cameras...and my two textbooks on top of the camera boxes. =P
My phone placed on top of my bag with my brown dress.August 18, 2008
Activity brainstorming
I don't know what I did these days... so I guess I will do a bit of brainstorming here.
Now...I guess you can enjoy what I had been listening to lately... =)
Big Bang - 하루하루
- Watched some YouTube videos (mostly random ones, and a few ones from the Star King TV show)
- Did a bit of back-up for my old laptop...but not much.
- Went out with my family...it's more of a family day...since I rarely go out with my parents.
- Walked with my dad to a place where we would always choose to drive there instead.
- Chatted with my friends in WLM (Windows Live Messenger)
- Applied for a few jobs, but I didn't get any answer yet. I hope I can get a job soon!
- Went to Oppa's house, and moved his books to my house. Speaking of Oppa, I miss him a lot...a lot...a lot.
- Shot some photos, but nothing too special...
- Spent a lot of time on Facebook...I think I am kind of addicted to it. I will not do that when school starts, so let me play wildly for a while..haha
Now...I guess you can enjoy what I had been listening to lately... =)
Big Bang - 하루하루
August 15, 2008
Small update
Just a small update before I go to sleep tonight.
After Oppa left Canada, I had been busy ...ordering textbooks, finding jobs, studying for final. I think I was too tired last week, and as the result, I messed up the entire Scantron sheet for my business course. lol...it's funny, but my grade will suffer. Now I know I am really an idiot. XD
Anyway, nothing really special...besides the fact that I really want to keep in touch with Oppa. The fact that he is never online, and never replied my e-mails made me a bit disappointed. However, if he is busy, I will support whatever he is doing...
I am going to sleep now....too tired. I slept at around 6 o'clock yesterday...maybe I should say this morning, and woke up at 9 o'clock in the morning. haha....am I just crazy?
One of my textbooks with my camera.
After Oppa left Canada, I had been busy ...ordering textbooks, finding jobs, studying for final. I think I was too tired last week, and as the result, I messed up the entire Scantron sheet for my business course. lol...it's funny, but my grade will suffer. Now I know I am really an idiot. XD
Anyway, nothing really special...besides the fact that I really want to keep in touch with Oppa. The fact that he is never online, and never replied my e-mails made me a bit disappointed. However, if he is busy, I will support whatever he is doing...
I am going to sleep now....too tired. I slept at around 6 o'clock yesterday...maybe I should say this morning, and woke up at 9 o'clock in the morning. haha....am I just crazy?
One of my textbooks with my camera.August 11, 2008
Last day seeing oppa
Today marked the last day for me to see oppa before he returns to Korea.
It was really sad for me to accept this, and I had even thought about what would happen on our last departure a few days ago.
Well....today, it happened when oppa walked with me to 22nd Street SkyTrain station to wait for the 410 bus. I really wished the time could just freeze there. I wish I could see him more, but I also realized that there is no such thing as "forever".
At the second I turned my back toward oppa to take the 410 bus, my tears started to come out. I really couldn't control my emotion, as I kept thinking about the time we had together...good or bad. I only started to feel a bit better 10 minutes after I returned home. Luckily there was no one at the house, or else my family would think I got hurt by someone.
Anyway...I am happy that I can keep in touch with oppa in the future. I wish that when oppa comes to Canada for a visit (next time), I have ability to make him the most special guest/visitor. =)
It was really sad for me to accept this, and I had even thought about what would happen on our last departure a few days ago.
Well....today, it happened when oppa walked with me to 22nd Street SkyTrain station to wait for the 410 bus. I really wished the time could just freeze there. I wish I could see him more, but I also realized that there is no such thing as "forever".
At the second I turned my back toward oppa to take the 410 bus, my tears started to come out. I really couldn't control my emotion, as I kept thinking about the time we had together...good or bad. I only started to feel a bit better 10 minutes after I returned home. Luckily there was no one at the house, or else my family would think I got hurt by someone.
Anyway...I am happy that I can keep in touch with oppa in the future. I wish that when oppa comes to Canada for a visit (next time), I have ability to make him the most special guest/visitor. =)
August 5, 2008
August 4, 2008
Keeping busy
By keeping myself busy, I don't have to think too much about not able to see Oppa again...However, it doesn't mean I don't care about him. I care about him a lot. Sometimes it worries me that he doesn't eat in a regular basis. I know he doesn't listen to me, but it doesn't make me stop telling him to eat...
I want to see Oppa, but it seems like an impossible task by now. I don't know how many days are left before he leaves Canada.
Anyway, busy busy busy....a lot of reading, and I hope I have enough time to study.
I just realized there is a screenshot feature on my phone yesterday...so here you go. Something to show you. =)
I want to see Oppa, but it seems like an impossible task by now. I don't know how many days are left before he leaves Canada.
Anyway, busy busy busy....a lot of reading, and I hope I have enough time to study.
I just realized there is a screenshot feature on my phone yesterday...so here you go. Something to show you. =)
August 2, 2008
I am a weak girl
I can't believe my tears came out in front of oppa today. (this is probably my third time doing that.... first time: more than a month ago in surrey campus; second time: two days ago in his room; third time: today in burnaby campus)
It happened when he said he doesn't want to see me anymore before I get married.
Of course I know what he is thinking, but I still don't want to accept it. I don't want to understand it, as it really hurts me every time I think about it.
It's not like I am not trying to understand him. I had asked people; I had read things online. The thing is...I know that if I don't see him now, I might not see him again. Even if I get to see him again a few years from now, things will be so different. I have my own family; he has his own. We can't be as close anymore... I don't know when I can see him again, ...this is the only time when I get to joke around him, fooling around with him like real brother and sister.
I imagine that...when he really finally comes to see me when I get married, he will not treat me the same way. I sometimes wonder if we will treat each other like strangers. Maybe I will not treat him this way, but I don't know how oppa thinks of me in the future.
I cannot believe and accept the fact that I don't have a lot of chances to see him again. I might had hurt him a lot, but honestly, I rather have myself hurt than seeing him getting hurt.
I am a bad girl...I had hurt oppa so many times. I really don't want to do it...but I don't know why I do this again and again...which makes my relationship with oppa worse and worse. I wish oppa will really understand this. I wish I can change this to make our lives go a bit easier, but I know he can't wait for me. Changes take time...
Maybe I should stop talking about this...writing about this makes my tears come out again.
+++
Honestly, I changed a lot since four years ago. Four years ago, I was always cheerful, happy. I had worried about my future, but I always got things under my control.
Now...relationship seems to be the biggest challenge of my life. I really have problems dealing with people, especially men. I don't seem to understand what they want, and what they think. There are times when I say that really hurt them, and I know that. I should really watch what I say...but if I don't say it, sometimes I feel like I will explode. I think I try to control myself too much that there is no time for me to "release" myself.
+++
There is another thing I am worrying about...but I guess I will stop worrying and know the result in a few weeks...
And if you are wondering what I am talking about right now, don't ask me. I don't want to talk about what I am worrying right now. The person related to this topic had already been notified, and so I don't see the point why more people want to know about this...
P.S. Sorry for my bad English grammar and structure. I don't really want to proofread this before I publish this...
It happened when he said he doesn't want to see me anymore before I get married.
Of course I know what he is thinking, but I still don't want to accept it. I don't want to understand it, as it really hurts me every time I think about it.
It's not like I am not trying to understand him. I had asked people; I had read things online. The thing is...I know that if I don't see him now, I might not see him again. Even if I get to see him again a few years from now, things will be so different. I have my own family; he has his own. We can't be as close anymore... I don't know when I can see him again, ...this is the only time when I get to joke around him, fooling around with him like real brother and sister.
I imagine that...when he really finally comes to see me when I get married, he will not treat me the same way. I sometimes wonder if we will treat each other like strangers. Maybe I will not treat him this way, but I don't know how oppa thinks of me in the future.
I cannot believe and accept the fact that I don't have a lot of chances to see him again. I might had hurt him a lot, but honestly, I rather have myself hurt than seeing him getting hurt.
I am a bad girl...I had hurt oppa so many times. I really don't want to do it...but I don't know why I do this again and again...which makes my relationship with oppa worse and worse. I wish oppa will really understand this. I wish I can change this to make our lives go a bit easier, but I know he can't wait for me. Changes take time...
Maybe I should stop talking about this...writing about this makes my tears come out again.
+++
Honestly, I changed a lot since four years ago. Four years ago, I was always cheerful, happy. I had worried about my future, but I always got things under my control.
Now...relationship seems to be the biggest challenge of my life. I really have problems dealing with people, especially men. I don't seem to understand what they want, and what they think. There are times when I say that really hurt them, and I know that. I should really watch what I say...but if I don't say it, sometimes I feel like I will explode. I think I try to control myself too much that there is no time for me to "release" myself.
+++
There is another thing I am worrying about...but I guess I will stop worrying and know the result in a few weeks...
And if you are wondering what I am talking about right now, don't ask me. I don't want to talk about what I am worrying right now. The person related to this topic had already been notified, and so I don't see the point why more people want to know about this...
P.S. Sorry for my bad English grammar and structure. I don't really want to proofread this before I publish this...
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